Alexi Lalas Completes His Masterpiece by Signing Carlos Ruiz

Alexi Lalas

It’s long been my suspicion that Alexi Lalas is a genius cunningly disguised as a ginger goofball and sometime Hootie & the Blowfish opening act, and the Los Angeles Galaxy’s president and general manager today confirmed this when he acquired Carlos Ruiz to play alongside Landon Donovan and David Beckham.

Dropping those three together in a petri dish is likely to propel the LA Galaxy into the upper-stratosphere of Inter Continental Global Domination Superstar Mega Clubs, and even more amazingly, Lalas has achieved this all entirely within the strictures of MLS’ salary cap — remember, it applies equally to ALL teams, even Global Domination Superstar Mega Clubs — with enough space left over that he could resign lethal striker Alan Gordon (43 apps, 7 goals) too!

Those of you who pay little attention to what we like to call Major League Soccer over here may be unaware of Ruiz’s touching charm. Despite Wikipedia’s gross slur that he is a “diver with an ill temper [citation needed]” — no kidding, citation needed! — he is sure to be the perfect birthing partner for Landon Donovan’s sister.

Curiously, the otherwise reliable Offside blog once claimed that Ruiz was “as close as it comes to a true MLS villain. At least that is the case for many fans who have watched the talented Guatemalan forward push, pull and scratch his way to 81 goals scored in 137 games.” What? Do they have him mixed up with the baseball player called Carlos Ruiz or something?

Ruiz is going to the right place in order to be shielded from such bizarre, vitriolic abuse. David Beckham, as that touching Adidas commercial with the cute little drawings always reminds us seven hundred times per MLS ESPN broadcast, is a man also once horrifically victimized for the mere act of kicking someone and getting sent-off in the World Cup.

Ruiz will sympathize as only last summer he was kicked by Ricardo Clark in an act many described as “completely unprovoked” and “not just desserts whatsoever”.

Lalas knows Ruiz’s scars can be lovingly healed in L.A. by the motherly bosom of Posh Spice, and Ruiz will surely enjoy spending his days with Landon leafing through copies of Men’s Vogue.

Donovan, after all, is a man with a heart so big that when asked which “Person you admire the most?” he was either unable to comprehend the singular form, or, more likely, could not brutally tear apart his siblings and answered “My brother and sister.”

One suspects, though, that if asked today he’d say “Alexi Lalas and Carlos Ruiz.”

Photo credit: moacirdsp

Comments are closed.